Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
