i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
