remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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