my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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