Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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