I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
