i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
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The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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