In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
