i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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