Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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