Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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