No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
