I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
