someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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