I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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