how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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