Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
