now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
