I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
