College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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