If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
