spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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