my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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