yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
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I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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