somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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