I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
