I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
