My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
