The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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