I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
