Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
