I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
