im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
