I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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