I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
