I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
