You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
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Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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