I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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