Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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