You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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