uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
