There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
