We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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