Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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