I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
