The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
