I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
