Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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