I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
