singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize