Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
