I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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