i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
