I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
