You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
