put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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