Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
