Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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