I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
